The Blinding Present.

I’m often asked if I always wanted to be an Olympian, if that was my childhood dream, and at first I tried to give the answer I thought everyone wanted to hear, that yes, of course I wanted to be an Olympian since the day I got here! It took me awhile to realize I didn’t have to tell that lie, that there were plenty of athletes who would tell that story as their truth and I needed to tell mine in case it resonated with people who think like I do, to let them know that the way we think is okay too. I didn’t dream of being an Olympian. Instead I just LOVED playing sports, at recess, in P.E., on my cul-de-sac with my neighbors, roller hockey and basketball on all boy teams, gymnastics, soccer, even running track in junior high! You could say I lived for it. 

Regarding myself, all I was concerned about during my childhood was that I was finding a way to get better, that I was contributing to my teams, and that I was giving my all in an effort to win. Winning was important to me, and it’s not because my parents cared, or I got external validation from it, it was just this innate desire to be the best. I know my parents sensed this intensity in me and if anything attempted to temper it. However, going back to the point I’m trying to make, I didn’t play sports for any kind of future reward. I was consumed by the moment, the play, the match, trying to win each point. In practices, I was hyper focused on each rep, trying to make it the best it could be. I strived for perfection while knowing that perfection is impossible. I remember always being completely in the moment, before I even knew of that philosophy.

I firmly believe that the reason I have gotten so far in sports, is because I was never consumed with what was next, making this or that team, getting a scholarship, playing pro, or going to the Olympics. I just loved my teams, the experiences I was having with them, and the journey of trying to become my best. Doing my best in each moment, or “dancing in earnest” (as the book I just read, ‘The Courage to be Disliked’ calls it) is what created each opportunity to take the next step at every juncture in my career. 

From an early age, even outside of sports I’ve adhered naturally to living in the present. I find I have a hard time remembering details from my past and have shied away from rigidly planning my future. I think I’ve always had a feeling that everything happens for a reason and if you do your best, really YOUR BEST which requires an immense amount of effort, you will end up where you are meant to be. I can only assume that this is a result of what my parents taught me and I am grateful. To shine a light so brightly on your present that the past and future are dimmed is the most effective way to live. 

The present moment is really the only thing you have any control over. You can control your attitude, you effort, your actions, your thoughts, etc. which can be a complete change from the past and if done earnestly will have a positive effect on your future. You cannot control what happened in your past, only the story you choose to tell yourself about it in the present moment. And to a large extent you cannot control your future, other than taking responsible steps in the present to set yourself up for success in the future, i.e. contributing to your retirement fund, eating a healthy diet and exercising, studying in the area in which you want to succeed, etc.

I resist the urge to map out a concrete plan for my future, but I am predisposed to worrying about it from time to time. However, I have found if you follow the logical train of thought it will lead you right back to the idea that if you take care of business in the here and now the future will be as good as it can possibly be. It is still prudent to set objectives for yourself, and mini-goals to encourage attainment of those objectives, but equally important is that you apply flexibility in your mindset, methods, and possible roads you may be asked to take. If at some point in the future you find your life is not how you want it, not up to your standards, you almost always have the power to change it. Change your thoughts, change your actions, your attitude, your situation. Rest easy in this knowledge and the knowledge that with every challenge you face down in the present it will make you more formidable in the future, able to deal with whatever might come your way.

As I get older, and continue to chase this volleyball venture, I’m trying to not be too attached, but of course I am all in through Tokyo 2020 Olympics. But I have other passions and I don’t want to stifle them because I feel boxed in as a volleyball player. Living in earnest in the moment means following your heart and pursuing the things that mean the most to you, and if that changes for me, as it is changing for me, that’s actually amazing. It is only by diving into our authentic passions without fear of judgement and giving them our all that we can live our lives to the fullest and create opportunities for ourselves. If that means I keep playing volleyball then that’s what I’ll do, but I’m just as open to pursuing other paths in life as well. There are many roads we can take through this life, but we are poor navigators compared to the Universe.

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